A Guiding Principle for Parents During the College Process

At 4:30 this morning, I watched as the U-Haul pulled out of our driveway bound for Charlottesville, Virginia, and my heart lurched. It doesn’t ever get easier to send your kids out into the world - even if they are 26 years old. However, the momentary lump in my throat has (mostly) dissipated, and the excitement and pride I feel as a mother is crowding out the sadness. My older son has left for business school after giving us the gift of time at home this summer. He is living his life as he should. His younger brother is about to move into his first apartment. He, too, is living his life as he should. They are happy. That makes me happy, even though I’ll miss them both more than they will ever know.

The Transition from High School to College is a Definitive Moment

Parents of my Class of 2023, you are likely feeling the same mixture of emotions as you prepare to launch your own children. College is looming. Suddenly, all the stress of the college search, application and admission process has given way to the reality that your high school students have suddenly turned into college first years. Your kids are leaving home. It is a definitive moment for many families. For a lot of us, it is a major life transition. We mark it as a passage from childhood to adulthood.

Applying to College as a Family Event

My work largely focuses on helping families manage the strategic and tactical process of applying to college. And whatever the critics say, it is almost always a family event. While I work first and foremost with my students, a lot of what I do behind the scenes is help parents support the process in a knowledge-based and grounded way. I want them to feel that the final year or two of their child’s high school life is less frenzied, and through better planning, good advice, and having another adult to be the task master, happier. I want parents to feel excited about their child’s next step. I also want to help families slow down and be able to cherish those fleeting high school years without feeling consumed by the anxiety of wondering, “will they get in?”.

I have frequently written about my wonderful students over the years. I’ve also had the privilege of getting to know their parents, and I continue to keep in contact with both. My earliest former students are now beyond college, and it is enormously gratifying to hear from them about their jobs or graduate programs. I work with families over time, and in many cases with multiple children. Forming relationships with parents from all over the country has been an essential aspect of why I love what I do. 

It is Important to Keep Perspective as the Parent of a College Applicant

It also provides me with perspective to share with parents of younger kids. All your worry, all the stress about your child’s SAT scores, or their C+ in physics, or them not getting into that dream college is depriving you and your child of joy. As one of my former students wrote so eloquently, “It really does work out. Maybe not the way you thought it would. But in the end, it works out.”

I wish I could help parents remember that all they truly want is for their kids to be happy, and to believe in their hearts that if college is the goal, college will happen. High school should be for self-discovery, the exploration of interests, the development of important life skills, but also the ability to be a little carefree. That last one is what I worry about the most. I feel strongly that our kids should be able to have (appropriate) fun. Every minute doesn’t need to be sacrificed to the goal of getting into college. Yes, there are important considerations, and I am not saying they don’t matter, but I firmly believe that a college list should be the result of how a student develops during high school, not the other way around.

The College Process Should be a Positive Experience

My reason for doing this work is to bring joy to my students and calm to their parents during the college process. A better process can mean better outcomes. But “better” should mean developing choices, or a choice, that will enable continued growth and happiness. For some students that will mean a very selective college, but it shouldn’t mean that to everyone.  I can say with some authority that high engagement at almost any college matters more to life outcomes than its ranking.

I am a College Expert and a Parent

If you are a parent who is working with me, or has worked with me in the past, you know I am pretty honest about my own stress and worry as I went through the process with my own kids. I lean into my professional expertise pretty heavily, but I do it with enormous compassion, because I get it. It is hard not to get swept up in the frenzy. I’ve given a lot of advice over the years about how to stay centered throughout the process, but the reality is almost every parent loses perspective at one point. It just happens. We love our kids, we are often competitive ourselves, and we care more than we should (I did use the word we) about where our kids go to college. Hopefully, for the families who’ve chosen me, I help parents get back to calm, so that they can be their best for their kids during this process. I want parents to know I have their backs, and I have their kids’ backs.

Happiness: The Guiding Principle

Time is fleeting. Your kids will leave. And your heart will lurch. Don’t waste your precious days with them worrying about things that really don’t matter very much. All you want is for your kids to be happy. It is really that simple.