“College” Should Not Be a Scary Word

Earlier this fall, I spoke with a group of high school students. Most were in their first year, and a couple were sophomores. To start our discussion, I asked them to use an adjective to describe their reaction to the word “college”. Almost without exception, they chose “anxious”. One or two said “anxious and excited”, but excitement was far from the dominant emotion in the room. The adjective to describe my response is “devastated”.

 I threw out most of what I was going to say and went off script.

 High School is Not a Dress Rehearsal

I decided they didn’t need a whole lot of tactical information about when to test, whether to take an honors or AP class, or if they should add a club or activity. What they needed to hear from me is that their worth will not ever be defined by the college they ultimately attend. Their high school years are not just a dress rehearsal for the rest of their lives and definitely not just four years of building an impressive resume to look good to the college admissions professionals who will someday read their applications. I urged them to find or continue activities that make them happy. I asked them to lean on their systems of support. I told them that work ethic is a critical and important skill to learn, and often, but not always, leads to good grades. I told them that knowing they did their best should always be enough. Finally, I asked them to be kind to each other and to themselves.

There Is No Secret to Getting In

 Shortly after that jarring experience, I heard from a prospective parent who wanted a specific roadmap to get their child into an Ivy League college. I receive these inquiries sometimes, and I always say no. I explained to the parent that I do not work that way, that I am philosophically opposed to what they were asking of me, and that we were not a good fit. My heart broke for the child who will likely be subjected to some scripted plan that may or may not work. I kept thinking about his stolen high school experience. And yet, I believe that parent was acting in what they thought was their child’s best interest.

 I understand the stress and pressure students and their parents feel, and I felt it myself as a mother. They are told constantly that it is impossible to get into a “good” college. While it has gotten harder at some colleges, I still maintain that what Frank Bruni wrote almost ten years ago in Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be is still true. “You’re going to get into a college that’s more than able to provide a superb education to anyone who insists on one and who takes firm charge of his or her time there.” He wrote something else really important, "If you're a parent who's pushing your kid relentlessly and narrowly toward one of the most prized schools in the country and you think you're doing them a favor, you're not. You're in all probability setting them up for heartbreak."

“Better” or Better for Your Child?

 And that is the crux of the problem, in my view. No matter how often professionals like me try to convince some parents that the first quote of Bruni’s is true, they believe that the lower the chances of admission, the better the college, and then they set out to try to make that happen for their child. High school students are experiencing stress and anxiety at alarming levels. Not all of that is due to their fears about getting into college, but the addition of the pressures of the college process to a base level of stress is not helpful. I’ve had students tell me they feel nothing in their lives is in their control. The ambiguity of college admissions is the culmination of that feeling, so well-meaning parents try to control as much of it as they think they can. Parents have been led to believe that certain colleges will set their children up for better lives.

 I wish they could understand and believe that the development of skills and habits through specific experiences matters so much more than the relative prestige of any institution. Helping their children develop and practice ways of being while in high school (or earlier) prepares them to engage more deeply at a college that is right for them. In order to know which colleges are right, they need to know themselves. Living an engaged and authentic life is what leads to better self-knowledge.

Help Your Child Know Themselves

What I want for each of the students I counsel is that they leave high school feeling more confident about their worth, more clear-eyed about their goals, and open to their own possibilities. I help them connect with colleges where their transition to adulthood will continue to sustain them in their goals and personal growth. What is right for one student is not going to work for another. Low admit rates, high average test scores, and an elite name brand will never guarantee that any college is a good fit for every applicant.

This morning, I learned about the first admission of one of my seniors. It isn’t her top choice, but it is a college she researched fully, with her goals in mind. She would thrive there. I am certain it felt amazing, and she received an exceptionally generous merit award, which I know was an enormous confidence booster. I call that a win. And she did it by knowing herself and being herself.